Yearn For You
by Ouma
Summary: Love is complicated especially when it involve misunderstanding and protection, wouldn't it better just to say what's in your heart than keep it as a secret?


**Kuroko pov**

"Why?" I ask.

He didn't say anything back and walk away so I just watch as he is gone from my sight, he is no longer mine alone and today is the day we last see each other and he decided it's time to break up.

What did I do wrong to make him hates me, did he get tired of my body after we just dated for a year or he getting bored with seeing me clinging to him all the time. I thought that what lover suppose to do or is just that he doesn't like it when people start knowing were dating. Is it really embarrassing for you to be with me?

You promise to never let go of my hand, to love me until the end of the world or . . . you have reach the end of it without me knowing it. If you don't you have broken your promise and if that's true I won't hesitate to find you and claim that we're still a couple.

Deep in your heart do you still love me or not?

If you don't, please don't say it instead please lies to me and say that you still do but as friend, that words hurt lesser.

I really love you, I really do.

I know that you're start acting cold to me that day and I pretend not to realize it still hoping that you might change and act nice to me again but I guess it was wrong. The more I chase you, the further your distance from me.

Didn't you know you're breaking my heart even more that you should?

At that time you push me when I was about to give you a kiss on that lips of yours, for the first time in my life I want to say I hate you but I didn't. Those eyes of loneliness you have made me feel sympathy of you.

You don't tell me everything even though lovers aren't supposed to keep secret from each other.

**You're so cruel.**

Wasn't it you who confess to me in the first place? I was foolish to even think of accepting it thinking my feeling for you will grow . . . and it did but you're feeling for me just got lesser as if you find me not as interesting as you thought.

I hate you even more now and if I could I will kill you just this instant. Again those question repeat in my head, as I see you walk away from me at 24th June, our anniversary I hold my tears.

I won't beg for you to come back.

I won't knelt and cry for you not to go.

Instead I will do the opposite of what you think.

I smile and say I think the same way.

Hopefully you don't realize that my heart slice to half as I say that to you but at the same time I want you to feel hurt to hear that from me which you didn't.

No comfort is given to me, there's no sweet word or courage. You just left like nothing happen and a few times we see each other again you simply pretend not to know who I am so I do the same not wanting any trouble in my life but why do my heart keep telling me that I still love you even though this foolish feeling should have been forgotten forever.

Please don't bother to look at me, please let me forget, it hurts so much.

Regrets feeling about accepting your confession that day keep coming back.

"Why oh why?"

Why I keep ask this question to myself even though I don't even know what the answer will be, once again I beg so I will forget about you. It's already getting worsen I get to be in the same class as you, it make thing harder to forget about our relationship.

I try so hard to laugh and smile as if I don't even care about our break up and you did the same thing too.

Are you having a slightest feeling for me left if you don't . . . congrats? It took you less than a week to forget about me but for me I think it will take centuries.

So I have planned to date someone else, but guess what. They all treat me so please and gently, even better that how you treat me before. The more they treat me kindly, the more I date more people. Across the country through online, lying to them of how much I love them and they all being easily fool.

I become a cheater before I even realized it and bad rumor start to spread about me but my lover never get lesser, more people ask me to date me. Some ask for a serious relationship and other just want to use me or have one day relationship. When I say one day relationship it relates to sex.

For those that get to obsess with me I erase and block their number from my phone and change my phone number since I have an instinct some people are stalking me. They could just ask if they want to date me, I will accept it gladly as long they didn't treat me like that guy.

The more kindness they give me I feel more appreciate than before so I do the same and give them the kindness they give me and if they make me feel so happy I will even give them my body.

'_It doesn't matter if their kindness is fake or not, I just yearn for it.'_

Many people love me and somehow I'm getting tired of this kindness they give me but if I stop now then I will never receive it again won't I?

It's . . . tiring.

On the next day when I get to school, people start gossiping about me again, I don't care. All I want is to sleep since the lover (don't remember the face since I have too many) last night keep me up until morning.

"Where are you last night?"

Surprise, surprise, the guy who dump me in Christmas suddenly talk to me after trying to avoid me so many times. Why is he talking to me?

"Get away from me." I smile at him hoping he just walk away and act like I'm invisible just like he always do but instead he grab my arms and grip it tightly as if his life depends on it.

"I ask you a fucking question and you better answer it!"

More people stare at us, what does he want from me?

"Why should I? We're not lover anymore if you forget."

"But . . ."

I cut him off with a slap, the reason I came to school is to sleep since my house is messy for me to have a good rest, I don't want to talk to this guy. He is the reason I'm corrupted in the first place; he is the reason I'm no longer pure.

"LET GO!" I shouted and ran out.

He chase after me. Please don't. Go away. I just want to be appreciating but you don't give me that kind of love I want. You broke me and torn me apart.

It was then a truck is driving toward me and I couldn't do anything.

* * *

I don't know how to say it but I was so happy that I finally get to confess to you of how I feel about you; the greatest thing about it is that you agree and accept me.

"Tetsuya."

So this is how I spent my first Christmas with him but . . .

A day after that the doctor suddenly told me I only have a few months to live which worry me since I finally got a chance to tell you of how much I love but now I don't know what to do anymore.

"What's wrong?" He asks me.

From that day he always try to be with me as much as possible but I try so hard to keep away from him since if he knows that I'm going to die he might leave me or cry about it, so without me knowing it I start to act cold toward him without wanting too.

"I love Tetsuya but I don't want him to get hurt."

It hurt so much when he act so nice toward me, I don't deserve this love even though I want it. Why does this love have to be so complicated?

"Why oh why?" I ask myself.

Why is turning into a tragic story, I just want to have a love life with Tetsuya like other lover will do but somehow this sickness I have is stopping me from having any decent relationship with me. I swear I see him about to cry a few times. I realize that for me acting like already hurt him so much but why should I continue it?

Every time we go on a date or walking home together I didn't talk to him since I keep thinking about y own problem and it was then we stop holding hand or walk side by side since I start to take the lead instead since I don't want him to see my face about to cry.

"Please forgive my foolishness."

When people actually we're a lover they never believe it since we never acted like one and some thought it was just a joke.

"Do you love me?" He asks.

I can't believe he actually thought like that, even though I don't show it much I truly love you but instead of saying it out loud I say something else that might actually hurt him.

"Maybe."

He looks like he was about to cry but regain back his smile, even though Kuroko is hurt he was able to smile like that which make me realize. I'm no longer able to be by his side, he is stronger than me even though he is hurt by me.

I'm so sorry, please forgive me.

Please . . . I love you.

I truly do. . .

So it was then

"Let's break up." I say.

I expect him to at least ask me why but instead he smile at me and say he feel the same way too and doesn't love truly. Should I be glad that he say that? Should I be happy he never love me at all or he just lying? Why are you smiling when you are hurt Tetsuya, it feel like I can't do anything to help, I feel more pathetic than I should.

**Even so I still love you.**

So I walk away hoping you won't get even more hurt because of me.

_Goodbye Tetsuya._

A new year begin for me, new class, new classmate and new friend but when I enter my class I never expect to see him again, just when I thought of trying to forget about him, he is there smiling and talking to his new friends. I take that as a challenge whether which one of can hold our feeling the longest but Tetsuya, don't you know that you look so beautiful when you smile.

_I miss you._

That smile is the reason I felt in love with you, if I can I will go back to the past just to see you on that stage again playing your violin and as you smile as you receive applause from the audience. I wonder if you realize I was the first one to clap after you finish performing. The song that you play touches my heart.

_You give me courage._

Later than, I heard rumors that you are having affair with older men and some students see you walking in a hotel with one or two-man every day. At first I don't believe in that rumor but later some more witness saw it and I'm getting worry.

What if the rumors were true?

So I visit your house that night hoping for an explanation but you never came home which make me even worry.

"Why oh why?"

Searching for you everywhere that night is hard, even though my heart hurts so much but I ignore it since you're the number one thing I'm worry about. The doctor advice I not to overdo if my chest is in pain but this is not the time, I need to search for Tetsuya. I didn't get any sleep at all yesterday but I still go to school just to see you, there you are still smiling even though people are stabbing at your back.

For once please show your true emotion.

"Where are you last night?" I ask.

He doesn't seem please to see me at all, even though he still smiling I can feel the anger inside of him, did I hurt you that much without realizing it?

"Get away from me." He tries to push me away.

"I ask you a fucking question and you better answer it!" It wasn't my intention to say that to him but I have to know.

"Why should I? We're not lover anymore if you forget." He says.

It's true we're not lover after the break up but I. . .

"But . . ."

He slap me before I can continue.

"LET GO!" He pushes me hard this time and ran away.

I ran after him since suddenly my instinct is telling me that something going to happen if I don't, I call his name out loud but he didn't look back. I wonder if he hears me apologize before. . .

He gets hit by the truck.

* * *

After that shock I receive from that accident my heart beat too fast and I fainted and later was in coma. I'm glad that I at least got to push him away but is he safe?

* * *

After I got hit by the truck everything went dark but I can feel someone push me from behind before everything blank out, will I be safe or die before he know my true feelings?

* * *

"Tetsuya chan!" My cousin call me as she embrace me, she is so happy after I woke up. What happen?

"I thought you were going to die just now but thank god you only suffer with minor injuries."

I don't care what she says now since something tell me there something I should now so without a smile or a greeting I ask her.

"Who save me?"

Her eyes sadden as she stroke my hair and she try to smile but tears flowing out from her eyes and I got up and shake her shouting at her the question again demand an answer. This is the first time I get so angry over something, this is the first time I didn't act calm on a situation.

"He . . . He is in coma now." Her voice is shaking surprise of my attitude toward her since I always act kind toward woman. "The doctor . . ." She pause before continues. "Expect he will die tonight since his sickness has gotten worse."

"Sickness? What sickness."

"He has cancer and it seems that it has spread throughout his whole body and there's nothing the doctor could do so now they're waiting for him to die."

I knelt on the cold floor as she finally finish her words, is this the reason he act that way to me?

Why didn't he just say so?For the first time in my life I cry, crying and begging wanting him back. I'm foolish not even trying to find out on my own, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I still love you so please don't leave me.

"Tetsuya chan." She looks surprise to see all this emotion I'm showing.

"Where is he?"

"EH?"

"Where is his room?"

"Beside us."

She froze at the spot as I walk pass her, her eyes lock on to me as I walk out and slam the door. The patients and nurse glance at him as I give them a cold greeting, is this the first time I didn't smile at people? Ignoring their stares I walk toward the room and enter without knocking seeing as my past lover lying down on the bed with machines surrounding him but I know better than tonight they will take it off and let him die.

"All this time I haven't told you how I truly felt, the true is I . . . . I really love you."

He didn't give any reaction.

This whole time I thought you tired of me which make me so angry that I thought if you don't need me anymore you want to throw me away. But now I realize you do it for love and I want to apologize for everything. All those time that I smile is all a fake; the true is I want your love and kindness. That's all I wish for; I hide it all this time not thinking of the sequences."

I lean toward him and kiss his cold lips.

"I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry."

He still doesn't show any reaction.

"I love you."

I take the nearest object and that is the vase and breaks it, picking up the shard and cry as I look at it closely.

"Let's be together, okay?"

It was scary, so scary as I held it toward my neck but if he meant to die then I want to die with him. This is the least I can do to be with him forever.

"Tetsuya . . ." He calls my name.

" . . ."

He is smiling at me and I smile back and this time it's a true smile that I haven't shown for years.

"Let's go together."

He pull the tubes and I simply smile as I cut my throat and he just watches as I fall on the ground, it hurt so much but I feel so happy that soon we will be together again, he fall beside me and his body is even colder as if he has gone first before me.

So I kiss his dead body one more time before having my last breath.

"I love you." I whisper before closing my eyes.


End file.
